Gainer Limericks

There once was a man on hoilday
Who stuffed himself through the month of may
With buckets of chow
He ate like a cow
Now with his swollen belly he plays

Once was a college boy named Stu
During the weekends he had nothing to do
So with beer in hand
He'd developed a plan
That let him expand his roommate Drew.

A rookie cop sat in his crusier
He looked at exactly like a brusier
With a uniform so tight
It barely lasted the night
A box of donuts and he wished it was looser.

A Pair of Jeans

You bought me with your first paycheck, I was proof that you would be just fine in the world. Able to support yourself. Your own man. Black denim, skin hugging boot cut and five brassy buttons. I was your first pair of Levi's 501 and you bought my me with your first paycheck.

When you got to college as most students do you came to one conclusion didn't you. You needed more cash because the allowance your folks gave you wouldn't pay for all the beer and all the food you were taking in with your friends. So like a good college student you got yourself a job.

Nothing too big.

Nothing too stressful.

Just stay up late and make pizza. It was a pretty well paying job because hey, the hours were shit and you know it. So of course after me, the money that lined my pockets went to only two things. Greasy College Food and Crappy Beer. You learned what was best about both and I was there through every purchase.

Two months passed and you couldn't close my top button.

No big deal, you muttered, its the freshman fifteen.

That would have been true if it wasn't for the fact that you had gained twenty pound. Instead of worrying you borrowed a belly and used it to hide my gaping front. that worked for maybe three weeks. You remember what happened then.

You rushed that fraternity. Do you even remember how much food and beer went into you? I do. I remember cause I lost my second button and a small tear formed in my seat. Something you wouldn't notice until the spring when you bust it open bending over for a pencil.

But that didn't stop you. Thanksgiving and Christmas brought you more weight and the seams in my thighs began to protest every time you wiggled yourself in. But still you could get me on. you managed to get me on through your whole freshman year. Quite an accomplishment considering you didn't just do a freshman fifteen.

or a Freshman Thirty

or a Freshman Forty

Nope, you big boy, you went for the Freshman Fifty.

And I was replaced by a pair of over-sized sweat pants. I wonder how long till they too join me in my drawer of outgrown clothing.
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